


Welcome to 'Ball-Halla'

by Elle_Morgan_Black



Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: Crack Treated Seriously, Established Relationship, F/M, Fluff, Humor, Online Shopping, Post-War, Smut
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-07-05
Updated: 2020-07-05
Packaged: 2021-03-05 06:16:03
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,480
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25089784
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Elle_Morgan_Black/pseuds/Elle_Morgan_Black
Summary: Draco Malfoy discovers the joys of online shopping, but will Hermione reap the benefits?
Relationships: Hermione Granger/Draco Malfoy
Comments: 20
Kudos: 160
Collections: LoveDump 2020





	Welcome to 'Ball-Halla'

**Author's Note:**

  * For [NuclearNik](https://archiveofourown.org/users/NuclearNik/gifts).



> Thank you to ThorneRose for editing!

Hermione Granger had a lot of reasons to be happy. She had a great job that she loved as an analyst for the Department for Magical Law Enforcement. She’d been able to undo the memory charm on her parents after the war and rebuild a successful relationship with them, although they were still a bit wary of magic. She was still close to Harry and Ron and the rest of the Weasleys. Even better, she had somehow managed to fall in love with one Draco Lucius Malfoy, something that would have shocked a younger version of herself. 

The Draco she had known at Hogwarts before the war may have been an utter wanker (Ron’s words, not hers), but the one she’d come to know afterwards, as an adult, was charming, intelligent, thoughtful, witty, and utterly captivating. And to her immense surprise, he was genuinely interested in learning about the muggle world. They spent weekends visiting the country’s museums and historic sites. They traversed London on the underground and went shopping in muggle stores. Draco even got a muggle bank account and credit card. His parents, naturally, were less-than-thrilled with their son’s exploration of all things muggle, but she discovered that her boyfriend had a wicked sense of spiteful humour and then proceeded to give distinctly muggle gifts to his parents for birthdays, Christmas, and other celebratory occasions. 

All in all, life was good. They moved into a muggle flat together on their one-year anniversary, and together they figured out the complex magic needed to ward muggle appliances to protect them from the damage caused by the use of magic. With wards in place, they bought a television and Hermione introduced Draco to muggle news programming, dramas like Eastenders, and muggle sports. He liked football but thought it would be infinitely more interesting with brooms and a floating ball. He enjoyed playing tennis but not watching it on the telly - “It’s just two people whacking a ball back and forth over a net, darling. What’s the fun in watching  _ that _ ?” To her surprise, he found cricket confusing, which amazed her given that he’d played quidditch for years at Hogwarts and that seemed no more complex than cricket to Hermione.

Once he successfully acclimated to the telly, Hermione was able to introduce Draco to an invention she rather hoped would eventually catch on in the magical world: the computer. Draco loved the ease of typing documents on the computer compared to pounding them out on a wizarding typewriter. He especially enjoyed the practical nature of Excel and the ability to create detailed financial spreadsheets that tallied themselves. They also both loved being able to store documents electronically on their computer for retrieval later. Digital storage alone had the potential to revolutionize the Ministry, where everything still happened on paper or parchment. 

But above all else, Draco Malfoy loved the internet. He loved the instant access to news and to sports scores. He loved being able to watch highlights of various matches and easily find the schedule for upcoming shows and matches he wanted to watch on the telly. He loved perusing the shops online before going, exclaiming excitedly how much time it saved to be able to browse online beforehand. She had giggled and kissed him before explaining that with the use of his credit card, he could actually order items online and have them delivered straight to their flat. 

In short order, packages began arriving at their flat. Her boyfriend had expensive taste, and he bought new muggle clothes, shoes, and accessories for them both. She probably should have scolded him for it, but he was genuinely better at selecting clothes for her than she was at choosing her own attire. She did give him a hard time when he cast an illegal extension charm on their wardrobe, but he glanced pointedly at her beaded bag and raised an eyebrow, silently conveying his belief that her objections were rather hypocritical. 

So she sighed and looked the other way at his online shopping habits because after all, he had come so far from their school days. Hermione often marveled at the idea that her boyfriend - once a pureblood supremacist - had so fully embraced muggle technology, helping her straddle both the magical and muggle worlds as they built a life together. 

With all of that in mind, it was thus not surprising when a package arrived on their doorstep one warm July evening. What  _ was _ surprising though were the contents.

Draco seemed inordinately pleased with himself as he tore into the package.

“What did you get now?” she asked as she put on a kettle for tea.

“Pants!” 

She turned in surprise at his excited voice.

“Pants? You seem awfully excited about that for someone who has a drawer full of overpriced silk boxers.”

“These are from the States.”

“Okay,” she said slowly. “What’s so great about them?”

He held up the box proudly, displaying the packaging wrapped round his new pants. “Look at this, Granger!” 

She leaned in and her eyes widened almost comically.

“Draco… does that say ‘Welcome to Ball-halla’ all over it?”

His grin was nearly worthy of Fred and George Weasley. 

“Yes! I can’t say I agree with the Americans about much - they don’t even believe in using proper kettles for tea! - but this is a bloody brilliant invention!”

She folded her arms and shot him a look of doubt. “Enlighten me.”

He opened the packaging and withdrew the single most absurd pair of pants Hermione had ever had the misfortune to see. They looked like boxer-briefs, but were a lurid shade of bright green. 

“Who are you and what have you done with Draco Malfoy?” she asked, pointing her wand at him. Not that she genuinely believed an intruder would have been able to sneak past their wards, but old habits die hard.

He rolled his eyes at her. “You have a tiny little birthmark on the left side of your bum, and you come really hard when I put my tongue in your-”

“Okay fine. You’re Draco,” she said quickly, a blush colouring her cheeks. Draco had come into their relationship with substantially more sexual experience and a wider range of kinks, and whilst he’d broadened her horizons significantly, he could still easily make her blush.

“I have to admit I would not have picked that particular shade of green,” she said as tactfully as possible.

He grinned. “Me neither, but look at THIS!” 

He flipped the pants around and her mouth dropped open in shock to see that the entire crotch area was covered by a very realistic image of a snake’s head. 

“You cannot be serious,” she said. “I understand having a certain amount of loyalty to one’s Hogwarts’ house, but a snake? On your cock?”

He laughed. “Oh come on, Granger! It’s a snake for my snake!” 

She buried her face in her hands. “Please tell me you did not order new pants simply to make a bad dick joke.”

He wrapped his arms around her and kissed the top of her head. “No my love - even better. Although for the record, there was nothing wrong with my dick joke. No, no. These have a HAMMOCK for your bollocks!” 

“They have WHAT?” she pushed back from his embrace to stare at him, debating whether her boyfriend had finally cracked from too much exposure to the muggle world and gone off the deep end. 

“Look! See?” He held open the hideous green snake pants to show her that indeed, the interior contained an odd fabric hammock of sorts.

“I’m sure I’m going to regret asking, but why do your bollocks need a hammock? You’ve gone all your life without one, and your bollocks seem to have managed just fine.”

The kettle whistled on the hob, and Hermione moved to prepare their tea, tearing her eyes from the absurd pants.

“I  _ cannot _ believe you just asked me that. It’s like you don’t even KNOW me,” he said dramatically. “Don’t you  _ want _ my bollocks to be properly supported with breathable cotton? You’re all about freeing the house elves, but when it comes to freeing my bollocks, suddenly leaving them shackled in sweaty pants is acceptable? I’m ashamed of you, Hermione. ASHAMED!” 

She rolled her eyes as she poured hot water into two teacups - Wedgwood, one of Draco’s purchases in muggle London when they first outfitted their flat. She’d known going into a relationship with Draco Malfoy that he was a complete and utter snob. There was no malicious intent with regard to his snobbery, at least not in adulthood, but he’d grown up with the finer things in life, and he’d come to enjoy and even expect them.    
  
She supposed she couldn’t blame him - after all, he’d suffered plenty during Voldemort’s stay with his family and then in a brief incarceration in Azkaban, and he planned to spend the rest of his life in comfort. She’d known when they made the monumental decision to move in together that whilst Draco might be willing to live in muggle London, he’d insist on a luxury flat, the sort of place she’d never be able to afford on her own. She’d also known that he’d insist on decorating it with finely crafted furnishings, original artwork, and carpets so expensive it made her cringe to walk on them in shoes. He used a cologne made in France expressly for him and used an expensive array of bath potions. He outfitted their bed with the softest Egyptian cotton sheets Hermione had ever touched. So if she really thought about it, she supposed it did make sense that Draco would decide that even his bollocks needed to be pampered.

Hermione turned around to face her boyfriend, teacups in hand. “Okay, fine. You’re right. Now that I’ve given it full and proper consideration, yes, ridiculous pants with an internal hammock for your bollocks  _ absolutely _ sounds like something you’d buy.”

“Thank you. My bollocks and I forgive you. I’m going to try these on. Cast a stasis charm on my tea, will you?” he called over his shoulder as he wandered off to their bedroom.

She shook her head at him and cast the charm, carrying both teacups to the sofa. 

“Do I want to know how much a bollock hammock costs?” she called out to him after a few moments.

“Probably not,” he yelled back. 

She shrugged and turned her attention to the tea. When it finished steeping, she vanished the teabags and took a careful sip of her tea, but then nearly spit it out when Draco sauntered into the room, naked, save for the lurid green snake-crotch pants. He walked up and down the room, like a model on a fashion show catwalk, even pausing to blow a kiss at his reflection in the enormous gilt mirror that adorned one wall. It was so over the top, so utterly pretentious, and so very _ Draco _ that she could not help but laugh - a lot.

“What do you think?” he asked, turning toward her and shifting his hips rather suggestively.

“I think magic has it all wrong because your patronus absolutely should have been a peacock,” she laughed, wiping away a tear of mirth at his dramatic display.

“Admit it - you like it,” he teased. He did another walk across the room, and Hermione had to admit that the snake pants did look exceptionally good on him. He was well-endowed, and the snake head on the front of the pants made that obviously clear.

She giggled again. “Is that a snake in your pants, or are you just happy to see me?”

He grinned as he strutted to the sofa until he stood in front of her, the snake head level with her face. 

“Oh there is definitely a snake in my pants, and it’s very happy to see you, love,” he said in a throaty voice, running his fingers through her hair in a decadent way that made her want to moan. Damn that man was just too good, she thought. How on earth could he go from making her laugh to turning her on in just seconds?

Still, she managed to put on her best serious voice. “Those are, without a doubt, the most hideous pair of pants you’ve ever worn.”

“Yes, but they have a  _ hammock _ , and they’re also obscenely comfortable.”

“Yeah, yeah, I know.” She let her eyelids flutter shut as he continued to stroke at her scalp, running his fingers down to the back of her neck.

“They also make your cock look huge,” she murmured, almost without realising she’d said it aloud as she placed her hands on his well-muscled thighs. 

His fingers tightened in her hair, and he tugged, tilted her head back. Hermione opened her eyes to gaze up at him. He was staring down at her like he wanted to devour her, and she resisted the urge to squirm under his gaze. He had such an unfair advantage when just a look like that could soak her knickers. 

His lustful gaze morphed into a smirk, accompanied by a devilish gleam in his blue-grey eyes. 

“What do you say, Granger. Can my basilisk ‘slytherin’ to your chamber of secrets?” 

It took a moment for his words to sink in, and when they did, she burst out laughing. He nearly tackled her, pushed her back until she was lying on the sofa, and he was on top of her, pinning her hands above her head. 

“That was possibly the absolute  _ worst  _ pickup line EVER, Draco Malfoy!” she spit out in between laughs.

He positioned himself in between her legs, and she instinctively arched her back and rolled her hips into him when she felt his growing erection pressed against her. 

“Oh I don’t know. I thought it was rather inspired, myself,” he said as he leaned down to nip at her ear lobe and her neck.

“It was pretty bad.”

“Hmm… maybe I should just get straight to the point then. Wanna see my bollocks hammock up close?” he offered with a teasing grin before kissing her.

She opened her mouth, welcoming his tongue, as she wrapped her legs around him. The snake pants were completely and utterly ridiculous, but she had to admit to herself that she secretly loved seeing Draco cocky and arrogant in a  _ good _ way. It was such a far cry from the bully he’d been as a child or the scared, cowed young man he’d been in the immediate aftermath of the war. He’d grown so much since then as a man and as a wizard, and she was so immensely proud of his growth that even his bad pickup lines and absurd online shopping habits couldn’t detract from the love she had for him.

She was panting when he broke off the kiss. 

“Draco?” 

“Yes darling?”

“Take off your pants.” 

~fin~

**Author's Note:**

> Credit for the title of this fic goes to Shinesty.com, which uses it as a tagline for their ball hammock underpants. Yes, you too can have a hammock for your bollocks. You can even order the snake-crotch underwear Draco buys in the story (and that is pictured in the manip for this story). For reasons passing understanding, an utterly ridiculous promo video for ball hammock underwear showed up in my Facebook feed, so naturally I had to share it with everyone. That led to jokes about an AU in which Draco discovered online shopping, and here we are. I have no regrets.


End file.
